Fear of Pain



We know all too well, those of us who have Lupus SLE, pancreatitis, autoimmune illnesses or any chronic pain illness the PAIN. We learn after awhile what helps a bit, what doesn’t, how we tense up when we feel the worse pain or attack is beginning. As it’s been said, “Pain Demands to be Felt” that is after the “Fight or Flight” response fails. But what if there is no pain medication, holistic product, meditation or way to lessen that extreme pain?

As it’s been said, “Pain Demands to be Felt” that is after the “Fight or Flight” response fails.

That is the unique position I’m in. I am allergic or can’t tolerate any of the big gun pain meds. Believe me, after ten years of doctors trying, through process of painful elimination, I’ve learned one med at a time my body and opioids do not go together. I am allergic to morphine, dilaudid makes me ill and exasperates a bile duct problem I have which causes more pain. Oral, IV it doesn’t matter. Vicodin, Percocet, Tylenol with codeine it doesn’t matter, no go. I’ve used over the counter, holistic, essential oils, etc.  we are talking about excruciating pain like kidney stones, acute pancreatitis attacks, etc. also, I can’t take ibuprofen products.

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My Family SAVED Me 💙


This is me (middle) with my Sister, Jean and brother in law, Lonnie. WHAT A CRAZY YEAR 2013 was! For us all. They really did save my life.
They took me in to live with them after seeing how sick I’d become. During this time my sister was in the final stages of healing from a freak “tripped over the dog” accident which broke her FEMUR!! Lonnie has Pulmanory Fibrosis & had gotten bad news from his doctors. That he had only months to live. He’s on oxygen but both are VERY active people. He bought me a rose one day because of “how far I’ve come in getting better” 😍 He truly understands what a blessing life is and always has. My whining & complaining are ridiculous!
About two months into my stay there, Lonnie got a horrible septic infection in his hip of all places because he was on a very high (too high) dose of CellCept. After a scary night of calling 911 & getting him to the hospital. A long stay then home with a pic line in him for the big gun antibiotics everyday for two months after he made it. Here, they took ME in to help me!! But he went through hell. He’s since had heart surgery & they are selling their farm where they’ve lived for 48 years since he’s not well & no one knows the future. We call ourselves the 3 musketeers ! Jean is a breast cancer survivor (twice) and currently has Padgetts disease which she downplays as “just a nuisance! I’m fine!!!!” They never complain. They are my Heros.

The Struggle For Purpose



I grew up learning that my life had a purpose and if I was fortunate, my purpose would be found by following my passion. If I was lucky, my passion would fuel in me a good work ethic, a satisfying career choice, a career doing what I love so I’d do it well. This would radiate throughout the people I loved and I’d be a good wife, mother, friend, servant to others. Sounds simple when you’re 20 years old. Continue reading

Dogs Don’t Judge


That little doggie at the top of my blog is Sophie. She’s my Yorkie that I’ve had for 13 years. Sophie became mine the same year that Lupus SLE came a’callin.

Sophie is my little best friend who is alway by by side. She loves me unconditional 💙

Sophie has been going blind, slowing way down, aching. She is the ONE reason I’ll drag my body off the couch if I’m sick to take her to the vet or feed her. Or just lay with her & pet her belly.

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The Tooth Fairy Saga

Tooth Fairy?!!!

Tooth Fairy?!!!

Lupus affects your teeth in that many people suffer from dry mouth, which leads to decay even when you are OCD about brushing and flossing.  WELL, three years ago I got a bad tooth infection, which lasted forever it seemed.  After dental visits, root canals, and lot’s of antibiotics (I am allergic to Penicillin so my choices are limited) I *thought* all was well. It wasn’t. That infection brewed for a year, causing all sorts of havoc.  Culminating in a year full of dental work these past 11 months.  More root canals, pulled teeth, fillings, antibiotics….WHEW done! And poorer.  Continue reading

OK….shocking YES, but seeing it helps the fight

Before & After

Before & After

Yes, one year ago after losing almost 30 pounds in three months. Why? Lupus SLE + Stress = weight loss  and organ shutdown. I don’t look like this anymore. As of today I’ve gained ALL 30 lbs. BACK!
How? By going to stay at my sisters home and they fed me and didn’t push it on me. Let me sleep. Talked to my doctors. Basically supported me and didn’t ask a bunch of questions. They read up on SLE and knew WHY I was so ill and was basically giving up. They didn’t argue with me over stupid stuff, or ask if I wanted to go hiking every weekend. See I’m a people pleaser. But it almost killed me. I’m not a drama queen, I hold everything in and just get sad 😦 poor me huh!


This is me today. Still on the mend.

Getting On With LIFE

OK so I have Lupus SLE. This has redefined how I live my life and what I do daily.
For 30 years, every day I saddled horse s that I owned (60+ horses on our ranch) and trained and exercised about four of them a day. We raised quarter horses on a ranch. I competed in horse events since 4th grade (I’m not saying how long ago!)
I had a full time job in the judicial department as well.
I had to feed, doctor, take care of all these horses. Travel long distances to shows. I have one daughter and when when she was in high school she competed in High School rodeo . Yes! Our schools here have rodeo clubs. They can earn excellent scholarships.
So needless to say, I was BUSY.
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