Spreading Awareness or am I Finding Purpose

I began this blog a while ago. I had zero direction other than I had something to say…. about just about everything! And I found my words to be an endless river of complaining, ranting, and purging what I felt was wrong in any given situation in my life.

When I slowly lost interest in keeping up with “blogging” I also lost interest in sharing anything because I had become a big downer.

It’s one thing to feel overwhelmed by sad events, bad news, poor prognosis, loneliness and feeling as if the universe had finally got to my place in line, it had now become my turn. The universe had looked over my resume and found me to be quite ungrateful for the wonderful life I’d been handed and was really mucking it up with all these negative posts, and woe is me stories.

My purpose for writing a blog had always been to share my stories about becoming ill later in life and great, positive words and thoughts to write, share? Inspire and help. Boy did I ever miss that mark!

Gosh, I can really complain and blame. So I stopped writing. If I had nothing nice to say, then stop writing it! And I did.

It was a good decision to do so. Because I’m not a writer, number one, and number two, it was bringing ME down!

Fast forward to now. After three years of struggles with Achalasia under my belt, I found my voice in vlogging. I’m able to express my self the best and in the truest form of me through speaking about my life.

Maybe I’ll find a happy in between point. I think I’m starting to.

I started my YouTube channel eleven years ago, it was about learning to play bass guitar as a form of doing something therapeutic for myself after my Lupus diagnosis. It was fun, helpful, and indeed therapeutic.

During this time, my health went down hill but I’ve learned a lot about coping with everything associated with illness. The most important lesson I’ve learned was what works for ME specifically. That would be by combining my love for music with the challenge of learning to play bass guitar, which is my favorite musical instrument, I could escape my dark thoughts of “why me,” “why am I constantly getting new and worse symptoms,” and, will I ever be well again?

Getting to the point here, my answer is yes. Yes it will help and I WILL, not meaning to, find purpose.

I’m enjoying making videos discussing my Achalasia and Lupus. I feel my personality is better expressed in talking about it, rather than writing because that’s how I’m wired.

So, my channel was restarted, but with a new theme, Achalasia. I don’t honestly care about the number of visits or subscribers. I enjoy sharing my story and hearing other people’s journeys.

I’m happy having this place to talk, even if it’s just to myself. I honestly am.

So, like they say, visit my channel! I’m just getting going. It’s about my diagnosis of Achalasia, lupus and eventually will discuss how playing the bass and music in general helps me heal and helps my soul.

Visit it at


Click on my Achalasia playlist, there are also playlists of my bass guitar attempts!

Thank you and here’s hoping that if you’re finding yourself down or lonely, remember there’s always a positive to be found. Always.

Once in a blue moon

Blue Moon, July 31, 2015

Blue Moon, July 31, 2015

NOW I get it. I’ve used it many times, “once in a blue moon.” It doesn’t happen very often, and as I said, “as sure as the sun goes down and this moon comes up, I’ll be fighting.” Little did I know this event would fit my situation so well. That when you are living a life with obstacles around every corner, it’s easy to just be a negative person with no joy to be found OR be the most positive inspiration ever, smiling through your pain and telling others who suffer that they too can smile, be positive and BEAT THIS DISEASE!

I live my life in reality. If I feel crummy, I go seek out those things that have brought me joy; music, nature, the mountains, the sky, humor. So a support group for me isn’t an option, I don’t want to sit and compare my aches, my chances, or compare symptoms. I want to smile, laugh, sleep if I want. Because Lupus isn’t WHO I am, it’s an illness I have, and it doesn’t define me. That’s the positive message I want to share. That I’ll not always have the answers to my own personal struggles that come and go with lupus, but once in a blue moon it will hit me, “yes, sure today was crummy, tomorrow may be worse? So it’s time to go seek those things that brought me joy at one time. Keep fighting it. Laughter, smiling, beauty we see with the eye or hear with the ear release endorphins that no drug I’ve been prescribed yet can match for changing my crummy attitude.”

imageI was lupus tired yesterday. I figured there would be no viewing of a blue moon last night. But I set my tripod up anyway and when it showed up, well that was it! I was no longer tired, and I started snapping pictures. For an hour I forgot about struggles, aches and pains, and enjoyed a once in a blue moon moment! So, if you’re having a tough day getting through the maze of pain, illness, fear, and stumbled upon this blog, this is how I “deal” with the negative, by seeking out the positive. Doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. I’m my own support because I know myself best.  There is beauty everywhere in this hateful world.

Music is Healing… MercyMe

Music has always helped me through the tough times and helped be celebrate the good times. This song, by MercyMe called The Hurt and the Healer is a favorite,

They were Epic for a Reason

Oh No You Don't!

Oh No You Don’t!

I live in a city where “cover bands” fill the pages of the city’s cool, groovy weekly free newspaper. Yes, no argument here, we are a cool city they say. They even have a cable television show about our city that represents its quirkiness to a “T.” But, I’ve had this problem with our “coolness.” It is that their musicians also feel pretty cool here and there are hundreds, HUNDREDS of cover bands vying for a place to play their tributes to whomever they sound sorta, kinda like when they first formed their band in that guy’s garage and asked each other what songs and bands they like. “Hey, dude! That totally reminded me of when the Scorpions dropped their first track on their third album! Yeah! That riff you just played! We sounded just like the Scorpions” and thus begins another Scorpions cover band. With homemade CD’s to follow.

But, some bands or musicians aren’t meant to be covered. I mean, there will never be another vocalist, guitarist, bassist, drummer who will sound or play like he/she did. Leave IT BE! Don’t even remake it by adding some cowbell or, “hey we have a female singing the original male vocalist’s part! Check us out!”

Not in our city! We are free to be who we want to be and if we play it, people will come! I’m an amateur musician at best and even if I knew I could play one or two songs from my favorite band, I don’t dare do it. Unless I’m in the privacy of my own living room and my dog is affectionately staring at me.

Bands like, Queen, Rush, Led Zeppelin, Alice In Chains (ok I’m telling my age here) should not be messed with or covered. Tribute? Wear a shirt with the band’s name on it. Now that’s a tribute. Do not make crazy posters and tack them up all over the city stating, LIVE! One Night Only! The BEST Rush Tribute Band EVER…. XYZ!!! No Cover Charge! Just come listen, please??

The original is and was the best. Their music was, as you say, EPIC, for a reason….they are unique and unbelievably talented. Don’t GO there. Enough said.

Save us all a dangerous drive downtown and $50 in drinks, just let it be