Wow! I’m catching up on my blog! But when the ideas and feelings finally come it’s important that I get them out (I’m told anyway).
In August I had a very BIG birthday. Not a big party, but the number is a big one. Why I won’t share that number is my own problem. I should be thankful for this many years. I am, I just don’t need to share it.
I do love this age however. Like my sweet mother told me long ago, the older you get the less what people think of you matters. So, is this true? For me I have to say YES. But, strangely so, I continue to try to please everyone, tell them what I think they want to hear, allow others to use my inability to say “no I will not come out and fix your computer.” I only have myself to blame though. A simple, “I’m sorry but I’m not up on these new operating systems, I’d do more harm than good” would work better than getting upset that there’s always a reason for the call and it’s not to just say hello and invite me to lunch. I run around helping everyone with whatever they’ve asked of me. They all know I’m sick. They all tell me to take care of myself and be good to myself. But I’m needed (I can fix computers!) so that makes me feel I have a purpose I guess. Yes, at this age I care less of what people think of me BUT I continue to try to please everyone to the point where I make myself more sick by stressing to get there and fix something.
I decided to try something new, to actually ASK a friend for help. It was tough to get the nerve up to do so. But not only was I needing someone to talk to, a part of me felt curious to see if 1.) I had the guts to ask for something and 2.) they’d say yes or would help. So, I finally told my close friend that I’m depressed and in a dark place. I’d never struggled with feelings like this before and didn’t know how to help myself. That this Achalasia thing was taking a real toll on me, more so than Lupus ever had, and I’m spinning my wheels. I texted her actually, because I didn’t want to call her in case she was busy, or interrupt her day (a huge part of people pleasing is never be a burden….my own take on people pleasing etiquette). Texting always seems like a sure fire way to communicate with people and not “interfere “ with their day! Yes, I know, I’m doing that “caring what people think of me” thing I said I don’t do since I’m older now. So I texted her my big “I’m depressed…” share.
She texted back later that day (see, I knew she was busy or she would certainly had gotten right back to me since I never talk about myself but instead I make light of everything, and joke around about this symptom or that. When my truth is, I’m hurting, afraid, exhausted and at my wits end) and her text response was, “just hand it over to God. He knows your heart.” followed by a request to come visit her and could I fix a technical issue they’re having with a computer.