Let’s Be Honest….Rowing My Boat

This summarizes being ill.... Just Keep Rowing Your Boat!

This summarizes being ill….
Just Keep Rowing Your Boat!

I haven’t “blogged” for awhile. I haven’t felt like it.  Not inspired to share anything with anyone even though I’m the only person who probably reads this blog. I guess I didn’t want to share anything with myself it sounds like…. “SHARE” a funny word to use. You “share” your pizza, you “share” your crayons. I decided to look the definition up in the Internet dictionary.  WOW! There’s the noun definition, the verb (used with object) definition, the verb (used without object) definition, the adverb definition and the Idioms. None of which fit “sharing bad news or how bad you feel.”

I use this blog to write my feelings that need to come out in an honest way and if someone who searches the tags I use, might find it, maybe they’ll see that they are not alone in feeling miserable. Even though they Love the Lord as I do, have unshakable Faith (wait, I guess mine is NOT unshakable?) they know He walks their journey with them, but they have many hours of feeling alone, afraid, or angry. That doesn’t mean they have lost their Faith, it just means they are HUMAN. When I write, I ramble. When I talk, I ramble.  I jump all over the place, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I probably break every rule I was taught in English Comp. I KNOW I’m breaking every common core rule. But I don’t really care, WordPress has allowed us to have free blogs and dang it, I’m going to BLOG!

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INSPIRATION FRUSTRATION

Taking advice from Ben Huberman at The Daily Post I decided to start rhyming.

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INSPIRATION FRUSTRATION

Inspiration all around
Turn on the smile, forget the frown.
But like every day there’s only pain,
Do I have to inspire or I won’t gain?

Gain the understanding, I need a hug.
Gain respect of this elite club.
Where pain & malaise is your daily routine,
And being inspiring makes you the queen.

It’s OK to have a Bad Day
Do I dare share that here,
or just hold it near, keep it
Together, full of good cheer.

I’m tired of smiling
Through my pain.
I’m tired of happy quotes
Because, today’s a bad day
Lupus Sucks, that’s my quote.

For once I’d like to say
this lupus sucks.
For once I’d leave out the “aww shucks!
It’s ok, I’m fine, I can beat this
In time!
I’m fine, give me time, it’s just a bout of bad luck”

So I write my feelings in
Draft form.
Of wrenching in pain, that’s my norm.
This day is BAD, no smile you’ll see.
Along with no hope, no happy, no end will there be?

Of suffering with an illness that has no cure.
That’s not inspiring, that’s for sure.

I don’t hit Publish
Only Save will I choose.
And keep it private to look at when days are unsure.
To remind me I don’t have to
always be strong,
and crying from frustration is not wrong.

Then wait for the next day I can smile and inspire.
Hit publish, look at me!
I got this! I’m a warrior, no frown will you see.

But the truth of this matter
My experience will tell me
A smile sends endorphins
that help me to be
A far better version of the person that’s me.

I have to admit, my first try at rhyming sounds a lot like Cat in the Hat. Maybe it’s because I read to my grandkids so much?

Music is Healing… MercyMe

Music has always helped me through the tough times and helped be celebrate the good times. This song, by MercyMe called The Hurt and the Healer is a favorite,

My video of a year long Lupus SLE – Pancreatitis Flare

ANATOMY OF AN ILLNESS
One Year of Living in a Lupus SLE flare. Although I’ve had Lupus for years prior, the year of 2013-2014 was particularly bad. The illness flared and I lost a lot of weight, down to 85 pounds, had hospitalizations for pancreatitis and GI tract problems. I just went generally DOWNHILL fast. It scared me because at the time, I really didn’t notice I was losing weight so quickly. I didn’t CARE that I couldn’t get out of bed, or was so weak. The fact I was oblivious to my situation was more startling that the situation itself. Fortunately, with my family’s help and intervention I got to the doctor and hospital. I plan was put together to get me well and we ALL did it. I’m happy to say I gained my weight back, I’m better, and I’m dedicated to working hard to stay healthy as possible. I DO want to live and I now take my Lupus SLE seriously.
Following is my video short of that year….

Emotional Support

Patient in Affliction

Patient in Affliction

I have found myself, for the most part, alone in this journey which has had its share of struggle. But, I’ve always felt God’s presence. Thanks to reading the Living Waters blog 💙

“My God turns my darkness into
Light.” Psalms 18:28

For whatever reason, when I’m in the hospital I’m alone. My parents are gone. My friends? Busy or will catch Continue reading

Please Believe Me

Nite time in room 300

Nite time in room 300

This past week I had the pleasure of a hospital stay due to my latest acute pancreatitis attack. Which turned into, no, more like a bad ulcer from your esophogus down throughout your stomach. From zero to warp speed I went from a nice afternoon of fixing my lawn mower to laying in the fetal position in my bed.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

This is my fifth bout with pancreatitis over the last few years. Third in the last six months. I KNOW the signs and symptoms. I know when to wave the white flag and surrender to the hospital for IV fluids, blood tests, CT scan and general “we’re going to admit you to keep an eye on you & control your pain.”

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Oh, But you DO look sick!

six months of a flare

six months of a flare

When you have something like Lupus, you don’t outwardly look sick. Which can lead to people suggesting either your weak, lazy, it’s in your head.

We’ve all heard the comments. But I’d take the comments any day over what a matter of three months of a Lupus SLE Flare left me looking & feeling like. I went from 109 lbs. to 85 lbs. I don’t care what I look like these days. I’m happy for good days. I’m THANKFUL to God for His Mercy and Love and my weight gain back up to 104 lbs.!!