Meaning in my Mornings (my mornings are mean)

I said earlier, struggles will come and go, it’s life and this particular struggle has entered my mornings in the past year. It has taken me almost a year to search for meaning in it, because I have to always figure out what the heck?! Why this?’ if I’m the only person who feels this in the mornings, is there a fix? So, I finally Googled “morning depression” because that’s it in a nutshell. I’m awakened every morning in a horrible depression. Usually I’m sweating, in pain, almost paralyzed from even turning over much less putting my feet on the floor and trying to wake myself up from this horrible experience.

Once awake, and when I’ve managed to sit up for awhile, about an hour, the whole event, the depression, sweat, pain fades. On its own, without even a sip of water, it fades. Every single morning.

I’ve prayed before falling asleep that my morning will be normal, my old normal, where it just takes me a bit to wake up, my joints are sore but I’m used to it. I would always greet morning with anticipation of what the day will bring, what needs to be done today, etc.

But, this morning depression has pushed its way to the number one issue I dread, edging out the Achalasia pain when you can’t swallow and everything Lupus. Beating myself up has become a daily exercise.

However, I’ve felt, in my heart, that I need to find reasons followed by SOLUTIONS for this morning depression. Not the old me, where I’d find possible reasons and continue on searching all the bad, sad, negative stories, thus bringing me down even more and pushing that hope I’ve always had so far back in my mind that I felt no hope. I would just feel that this was yet another rotten symptom of my illnesses that I had to learn to live with.

That’s the difference here, an uncomfortable symptom appears, throw my hands up and say, “why me?! Really?! What more can happen?” Never say that, because something more can happen and you’ve (me, this isn’t a “how to handle things” blog, it’s me writing for myself. Getting it out, to revisit when dark days roll through) set yourself up for continually feeling as if you’re being punished. I’m not being punished, I happen to have Achalasia, systemic Lupus, and with these illnesses come symptoms, and with these symptoms come the challenge to identify ways, if not a cure, but at least to learn why and how to make them easier to deal with. Knowledge is power, with this power comes hope.

So, back to this morning depression thing. Since I’ve learned to research with a positive mindset instead of searching to find reasons to feel hopeless, I’ve been figuring out what may be happening and attempting to write things down to compare what might be leading to this. I’ve found an entire group of people who deal with this and the reasons, the research being done, how my current illnesses may be leading to it and how to try and change my nutrition or medications to see if I can ease it.

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Let’s Be Honest….Rowing My Boat

This summarizes being ill.... Just Keep Rowing Your Boat!

This summarizes being ill….
Just Keep Rowing Your Boat!

I haven’t “blogged” for awhile. I haven’t felt like it.  Not inspired to share anything with anyone even though I’m the only person who probably reads this blog. I guess I didn’t want to share anything with myself it sounds like…. “SHARE” a funny word to use. You “share” your pizza, you “share” your crayons. I decided to look the definition up in the Internet dictionary.  WOW! There’s the noun definition, the verb (used with object) definition, the verb (used without object) definition, the adverb definition and the Idioms. None of which fit “sharing bad news or how bad you feel.”

I use this blog to write my feelings that need to come out in an honest way and if someone who searches the tags I use, might find it, maybe they’ll see that they are not alone in feeling miserable. Even though they Love the Lord as I do, have unshakable Faith (wait, I guess mine is NOT unshakable?) they know He walks their journey with them, but they have many hours of feeling alone, afraid, or angry. That doesn’t mean they have lost their Faith, it just means they are HUMAN. When I write, I ramble. When I talk, I ramble.  I jump all over the place, I wish I didn’t, but I do. I probably break every rule I was taught in English Comp. I KNOW I’m breaking every common core rule. But I don’t really care, WordPress has allowed us to have free blogs and dang it, I’m going to BLOG!

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You Don’t Look Sick, But You Do Look Old – Aging

Me with new grandson, Kade Robert 12-14-14

Me with new grandson, Kade Robert 12-14-14

With the New Year always comes new promises to myself. If I keep them…. wonderful! If I don’t…. awww that was a bit out there, I’ll re-evaluate that one next year if I’m fortunate enough to see 2016 which my chance of seeing it is as likely as the next person.  I don’t feel that Lupus SLE or pancreatitis or living near an active volcano, Mt. St. Helens, puts me in the “danger to not see the next year” club more so than the next person. I am not, unfortunately, the type of person who can make myself a nice, warm cup of green tea and sit at my kitchen table staring out at the grandeur of the breath taking, snow covered mountains I’m blessed to live near. To relax and go deep in thought of life, loves, future. I truly wish I could slow down and do so. But I am the type of person who tramples through each day I’m able to on fast forward as my Lupus allows, at high speed, breaking things as I go and missing out on so much. That is why I tell myself I’m not a marathon runner like my daughter, because I can’t pace myself. I would start out in a sprint as fast as I could go and you would find me at the 3 mile mark, passed out and done, not even making it far enough to get the T-Shirt or a medal for that matter. Slow and steady wins the race and benefits from the beauty that surrounds us all.  But I was able these last several weeks to slow down and take it all in which started me on the process of looking at my life and what things I’d change if I wanted to and could, and what things I might want to change but have to realize, I can’t.

I ended 2014 at the bedside of my brother-in-law passing away of heart failure and two days later, sitting in the waiting room awaiting the arrival of my third grandson. All of 2014 I’ve been living with my other sister and brother-in-law who is suffering from pulmonary fibrosis. My sister (his wife) is a breast cancer survivor for the last 15 years and recently it came back and she finished up 2014 with her second mastectomy and a smile on her face. Both of my sisters are older than I am and are like parents/best friends to me.  I was an accident they say, born to my parents late in life and spoiled rotten.

Braeden and little brother Kade

Braeden and little brother Kade

As if God wanted me to see that nothing is set in stone here on earth. That doctors can predict, “you are terminal and have 6 months to live, get your affairs in order” (as in the case of my brother-in-law with pulmonary fibrosis) but you’ve passed the 6 month mark and have lived on for another 12 months and still going strong, a bit less active but living life. That the person who seemed healthy as a horse suddenly passes away of heart failure. That you may have breast cancer AGAIN but are now titled, “breast cancer survivor” for the second time.  All these events made me think that God wanted me to see that LUPUS SLE is not a death sentence, a “my life as I know it is OVER and I will be bed ridden and NEVER enjoy another outing or activity again.” way of thinking was really wasting some valuable time. That worrying about the worst case scenarios in a situation only takes away from the blessings you really do have. The obvious pain and limitations persist, but I’m learning to live with it and say it’s OK to retreat to my bed and take care of my body and my soul.

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