Meaning in my Mornings (my mornings are mean)

I said earlier, struggles will come and go, it’s life and this particular struggle has entered my mornings in the past year. It has taken me almost a year to search for meaning in it, because I have to always figure out what the heck?! Why this?’ if I’m the only person who feels this in the mornings, is there a fix? So, I finally Googled “morning depression” because that’s it in a nutshell. I’m awakened every morning in a horrible depression. Usually I’m sweating, in pain, almost paralyzed from even turning over much less putting my feet on the floor and trying to wake myself up from this horrible experience.

Once awake, and when I’ve managed to sit up for awhile, about an hour, the whole event, the depression, sweat, pain fades. On its own, without even a sip of water, it fades. Every single morning.

I’ve prayed before falling asleep that my morning will be normal, my old normal, where it just takes me a bit to wake up, my joints are sore but I’m used to it. I would always greet morning with anticipation of what the day will bring, what needs to be done today, etc.

But, this morning depression has pushed its way to the number one issue I dread, edging out the Achalasia pain when you can’t swallow and everything Lupus. Beating myself up has become a daily exercise.

However, I’ve felt, in my heart, that I need to find reasons followed by SOLUTIONS for this morning depression. Not the old me, where I’d find possible reasons and continue on searching all the bad, sad, negative stories, thus bringing me down even more and pushing that hope I’ve always had so far back in my mind that I felt no hope. I would just feel that this was yet another rotten symptom of my illnesses that I had to learn to live with.

That’s the difference here, an uncomfortable symptom appears, throw my hands up and say, “why me?! Really?! What more can happen?” Never say that, because something more can happen and you’ve (me, this isn’t a “how to handle things” blog, it’s me writing for myself. Getting it out, to revisit when dark days roll through) set yourself up for continually feeling as if you’re being punished. I’m not being punished, I happen to have Achalasia, systemic Lupus, and with these illnesses come symptoms, and with these symptoms come the challenge to identify ways, if not a cure, but at least to learn why and how to make them easier to deal with. Knowledge is power, with this power comes hope.

So, back to this morning depression thing. Since I’ve learned to research with a positive mindset instead of searching to find reasons to feel hopeless, I’ve been figuring out what may be happening and attempting to write things down to compare what might be leading to this. I’ve found an entire group of people who deal with this and the reasons, the research being done, how my current illnesses may be leading to it and how to try and change my nutrition or medications to see if I can ease it.

The problem for me is, I’m going to need to see a doctor to get my thyroid checked because it’s never right. I don’t absorb it. It seems like this Achalasia is getting so much worse it’s really causing other problems for me. Achalasia is rare and therefore, just like Lupus, I mention it to the endocrinologist, who is a new doctor for me since I developed hypoglycemia since losing so much weight, I mention those two problems and I see the blank stare. They don’t know what to do or say. I don’t blame them. I just hope they take the time to look them up and before my return appointment which will probably be in another month (meaning I have to deal with this and try to fix it myself for a month more) he will be able to come up with something to help me. Nutrition? A way to get nutrition besides a nasal feeding tube. Ohhhhh, no not a nasal feeding tube….

I digress…. I’ve had two surgeons try to insert a fairly easy nasal feeding tube only to end up running into problems getting it down from the nose into my stomach. First time was while in hospital, before being diagnosed with Achalasia. Second time was after an EGD and balloon dilation, the hose was placed and I woke up choking again. An annoyed surgeon was summoned to recovery to take it out and try 3 more times to cram that sucker down, but couldn’t get it to go without me either choking or throwing up. Heck! Don’t get mad at me guys! I don’t know why it happens, I’m the patient, you’re the doctors. Instead of saying something like, “I’m having difficulty with this hose. Something is blocking the hose going down smoothly as it should. So we will stop for now and see what the problem may be.” But neither did. They both worked on me as if I was a plastic doll used to learn procedures on. No eye contact, no speaking to me, nothing. The last surgeon didn’t acknowledge my husband sitting there watching in horror. The surgeon looked at his colleague and threw up his hands, turned and walked out of room saying, “I don’t know what problem is, she must not tolerate it. Go ahead discharge” and I never saw or spoke to him again. My husband drove me home, both of us feeling shocked, hopeless and tired.

Back to morning depression. It takes energy to make appointments, get to the appointment, explain symptoms and cross your fingers and sit nervously in the waiting room hoping that I’ll explain my symptoms quickly and accurately because you don’t get much time with doctors these days. I’m suffering and I know script…. nurse calls you in, she weighs you, she says nothing about the weight being so low, I’m led to a small room with the table, two chairs and posters of the digestive system, pamphlets and magazines. The glass jar with cotton balls and Q-tips. A knock on the door and in comes the doctor.

You see, I’m just a ball of chaos. Illnesses that I can’t seem to get help with. Different specialists playing tag, you’re it, with me. I’m trying, really I am. But add depression to the mix and this whole situation suddenly gets serious to the point of wanting to give up. That’s not good.

My heart aches reading how others have battled depression for years. I’m suddenly feeling that my Achalasia and Lupus, although tough, are nothing compared to the hell and loneliness of depression. I’ve never been on antidepressants. I’ve asked for them before but was told my depression was “situational” and the medications will cause problems with my other medications.

So…. I end this post feeling I have a lot of things to do to find a doctor I can trust. To battle the root of my morning depression. I think I’ve figured it out, what may be causing it. Now comes finding the energy to pursue the fix. I wish this on no one. People are suffering and my situation pales. All I can say is every single person has a purpose and I know, they are loved by someone, somewhere. I don’t know them but I’ve read their stories and I care. Not that that helps one bit, but what I thought was an extremely annoying situation every morning I learn it’s just the tip of the iceberg called depression. Maybe through my future treatments and/or diagnosis’s it will be information that will help someone, even if it turns out not to help me. It might be what’s causing someone else’s morning depression.

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