Sometimes I feel as though she’s reading my mind. I thought no one else could possibly know, much less understand, my internal struggle. Or, have the same feelings as I do about my lupus. This blog is so well written, so raw, it’s healing my heart knowing I’m not alone. I always hear, “oh you’re not alone Susie, join a support group and find others to connect with!” Well I’ve tried but there was no connecting, just complaining. If I wanted to spend my precious energy getting ready, dressed, hair up in ponytail, and drive my tired aching body somewhere for support and to meet people dealing with the same illness I have, I don’t want to be brought down by the never ending competition for the evening of “who’s got a worse life today?” I want to learn how others cope, how I can change my attitude which at the present time is only adding to my depression and loss of hope.
This blog right here helps me in a positive way. Let go and Let God, be thankful for THIS day here, and whatever awaits me in the morning I shall deal with then.
I was laying in bed this morning, debating if I should get up and take my medication or just lay here and try to go back to sleep. But that crazy question that has no answer continued to haunt me this morning. What is the meaning of this life I’m living? I can’t figure out what my reason for being is. I wonder if I’m living or existing. My days feel empty to me, yet I bask in my solitude and it makes as much sense as the life I live. I’m doing what I must do to wake each day, take meds, sleep, eat and shit. I go visit doctors to analyze my health; I go to the physical therapy/rehab. I spend hours on Facebook, peeking into other people’s lives and playing a game that has no real purpose.
Life once made sense, or maybe I thought it did…
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