….and I will try to fix you



“I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

My favorite song by Coldplay is “I will try to fix you”

“….when the tears come streaming down your face. And you’ve lost something you can’t replace….could it be worse? Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you”

If Lupus SLE wasn’t enough, brewing inside me for at least ten years (the year of my first acute pancreatitis attack) has been my sickly pancreas. They’ve labeled it “acute pancreatitis” but that’s about it. No plan, no advice.

Since 2004’s first attack, spincture of oddi & bile duct problem, out of the blue, I’ve battled at least once a year with either the bile duct attacks or pancreas that got sick because the bile duct was sick, I don’t know, I only know what the doctors tell me. When they do. In the last year I’ve had three acute attacks & hospitalizations. I know a handful of attacks doesn’t sound like much but each time the pain is unbelievable.

I go to the SAME hospital every time. But I spend hours in the ER answering the same questions. Protocols I understand. But it’s the litany of diagnosis I get before they check my lipase or whatever it is that shows my pancreas is in turmoil.

To the three doctors I see every time, NO I don’t drink alcohol. I’m not an alcoholic. I DO however have Lupus SLE and the gastroenterologist has said that doesn’t help matters. I’m usually (well 80% of the time) diagnosed with diverticulitis or gastritis, written a prescription for something that helps diverticulitis & on the verge of discharge when EACH & EVERY TIME I’m saved at the final hour by my pleading to have my pancreas enzymes, blood worked checked.

Last time, I had my clothes on, getting ready to sign discharge papers, when the doctor rushed in an said, “I figured it out! You’ve got acute pancreatitis! Your lipase is through the roof high. We must admit you immediately.”
No, dear doctor, you didn’t figure it out, I knew it but had to plead for the tests. I’m not a drug seeker. Matter of fact I can’t take morphine because it has an opposite effect on me and dilaudid causes the pancreatitis to get worse. I’m stuck.

I’ve spent days & days in the hospital on ice chips, just a few at a time, to “rest” my poor pancreas. It’s getting worse and with the healthcare system changes at my hospital, they don’t contact my regular doctor or rheumatologist. They use “the hospital’s doctor.” My doctors learn of my hospitalizations by my sister calling him or when he is faxed my results.

FRUSTRATING? Yes, Scary? VERY. My advocate is my sister now. She takes me in because I usually say no I won’t go, I can’t handle the pain AND the runaround too. So she nicely but firmly says, she has a history of acute pancreatitis and has been admitted HERE at least four times & treated. I know as well that my main advocate is The Lord. My Faith calms me when I’m so afraid and no one will listen to me in the hospital.

I understand protocol. I understand the rotation of doctors in & out of the ER. The nurses are only doing as told. But it always ends the same (hopefully) that they realize it’s my pancreas, I get admitted, a CT scan on the way to my room and nausea & fluids via IV unless other complications crop up.

Now that I’m out of the hospital and on the mend I’ve decided that maybe hanging out here and just waiting for the next attack is probably not smart. So, I’ve decided to go to the big “city” hospital specialist and present my case. Get some tests done. See what I can do proactively for my diseased pancreas. I thought Lupus SLE was a clueless maze of doctors trying this or that. Like throwing darts at balloons at the carnival. But this last pancreatitis attack opened my eyes to the fact that the more I get these the worse they get. That two ERCP’s on my bile duct hasn’t helped. Well they did help my bile duct but didn’t help my pancreas.

My faith sustains me, God has me in His sights. Even though I lay alone in a hospital room I KNOW I’m not alone, God is with me.

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